At one point I just want to slap you so bad for making me feel this way. At another, I just want to run to you and just hug you tight.

I can't help to feel this way.

I had to pretend I hate you in front of everyone.
It hurts.
every time I see you, it takes a lot to not look, to not care & to not bother.


I don't fucking care if the whole world hates me.
I really don't.
I am better off alone anyway.
No surprise.


but You of all people.


I tried to resist this feeling.
I tried to pretend nothing ever happened.


but someone still see the sparkle in my eye.
someone know I didn't entirely let go.



I am going crazy pretending to let go, trying hard to hold on the slightest hope that you'll still come back, letting everyone know how ignorant we are to each other.


If I do, go crazy, one day, will you still care?


I seriously wonder...

nothing in this world

There isn't a day that goes by where I don't, at some point, think of you. Or, some kind of memory we once shared. It's like I look at a certain thing, hear a certain song or even eat a certain food and suddenly I am reminded of you, and times we shared, the conversations we had, the best friend you used to be. I know I ruined it and I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I miss you so much yet you don't seem to at all. Because I still hesitate and the sound of your voice, even hearing your name but you don't even blink at the sound of mine. Because I'm trying my hardest to let things go back to normal yet you don't even bother to put in the effort to make things work. I'm sorry because once again, I'm crying over you while you're probably having the time of your life.


Sometimes late at night I think about all the things that have been, all the things that haven’t been and all the things yet to be. If my heart could explode into a billion tiny pieces and scatter themselves all over the world. If I could live on sunlight and the city sounds and fall asleep in those thousands of lighted windows. I wonder if this world will ever make sense to me, if I will ever truly understand anything… and if there’s really anything to understand at all.


You and I both know how much things have changed. You used to be everything; you used to mean the world to me. Since you walked out that door and forgot about me I've been trying my hardest to do the same to you. But it's not working. Because every time I look at you I see memories of what we used to be. I see how far apart we've grown and how much you don't need me in your life anymore. Every time I look at you my heart breaks - over and over again.


And I find it quite funny that it's now that we barely speak that I realise you're not as perfect as I, for so long, believed you were. All the imperfections are clear to me now. But somehow you still seem perfect for me and it's utterly killing me.


Stuck holding onto nothing, I struggle to keep smiling. I look at you, you see right through me and my heart breaks, but I keep smiling. I feel like nobody; when I'm this close to breaking down and crying, but I keep smiling. Because if you're allowed to be happy then I will prove to you that I can be too. I will show you that I can smile for a reason that is not because of you. I will smile, even if the smile I wear is always fake.

to you from me

To you,

My god. It's like I hate you so much for what you've made me become; some fool who puts her hopes up only to have them come crashing back down to earth. But then I try to let you go and something keeps me hanging on. It's like there's an invisible rope tying me to you. It's like I can't live without you, no matter how hard I try. You make me happy, but then again you make me so sad. It's like a never-ending circle and I just wanna stop cause this is killing me. Please let me let you go. I can't keep doing this, it hurts too much. I can't stand this anymore, I swear if this keeps going on one day I will just break down. And if that happens I'm not sure that I can be put back together again. I'm hoping for the best, and looking back at all the pain you've put me through, I don't think you're the best for me.

So I guess this is, Goodbye?

from; Me.

Alright, yeah I admit it, I miss you. There are days where I just sit and wonder if by any chance you still wonder about me. Some days I just feel so empty, so lonely without you there by my side. Do you want to know how I get by? It's the thought, the realization that you made the decision to walk away. You chose for it to end that way and I, I just want so badly to be able to live my life the way you said; the right way, without you. And not for you, but for myself. I want so much to show you that I am strong. That I can achieve whatever, whatever I put my mind to.


I know there are some things you can't change. I know there are some situations where apologies hold no bearings. I know that twists of fate bring people together, and sometimes "everything happens for a reason" can tear them apart. I know that I will never forget you, for you will always have a place in my heart.


I'm slipping, and I don't know what to do about it. You're getting to me so badly and I want so much for you to no longer have the ability to make me feel this way. I can't let you see that this is killing me, I can't let her see that I still feel something, anything for you. I can't give in, I can't let myself fall for you over and over and over again.


I've learned to keep my composure, to play it cool when really it's killing me inside. I've learned to let it go, to let you go. Yet I still care and it, honestly, it sucks. I want to be out there, gone gone and away from you. I want to forget about you, I want to move on but I can't and I do not know why.

It's crazy how close you can get to another person. You feel as though they are a part of you. You feel as if you can't go to sleep at night without knowing that they are alright. You feel as though you can't live your life without them, they are your life. And it's crazy how things can change in the blink of an eye. Suddenly they're gone. Suddenly you're all alone with no-one but yourself to comfort you from this heartbreak. Suddenly the person you shared everything with disappears, leaving nothing but the trace of him behind. The chat logs, the emails, the phone-calls, the text messages. Suddenly you're incomplete, and the piece of you that is missing is with him, with him who walked away and never looked back.


Sometimes you just feel empty, lonely, insignificant. And it doesn't matter what you do, no it doesn't matter how many laps you run, how many classes you skip, how much alcohol you drink, how many cigarette you smoke or how many pairs of shoes you buy - you still feel like crap. Sometimes I just feel like taking off, selling everything I own and running away to somewhere so distant; running away to the unknown. But if I did, I just want to know, would you take my hand and run with me?


We still speak, but the conversations are shorter. I speak hesitantly, in fear that something will slip out like “I miss you” or “I miss this,” and I will immediately regret the words I have spoken. Because if I say these things I will realize I’m still not over you after all this time, and my heart will once again be thrown out and about every time I see you. Every time I see you with her. I don’t want to have to go through that pain again, so I make like I’m over it. I cover it up and live my life as though I am happy when the truth is, I’m not because you’re not there anymore, standing next to me holding my hand and telling me everything will be okay as long as we stick together.

I'm going to start ranting here
since he might know.
my little secret.

the truth is
I still can't get over you.

no one knows it, but me.